I Feel Pretty! Wait...Do I?

I Feel Pretty! Wait...Do I?

NOTE: This post pairs well with late Hole. 

Put on Celebrity Skin and feel nouveau* grungy with Courtney & me.  

Am I Pretty?

Check out my picture (below).

Do you think I'm pretty? Clearly I have great boobs, but am I pretty? I've never thought so. I'll bet plenty of other gals question their own beauty, maybe even you? It's totally common. Right? Right. Of course it is. But I fucking hate it.

It started with a Facebook post.**

Today, I was  reflecting on how I never feel pretty and wondering why I had such low self-image and I posted this:

How often do you look in the mirror and think "YUCK!" Do you walk past windows & catch your reflection and shudder? I am ashamed to admit I do that. I just have never felt pretty. I think that's normal for women and it makes me sad. What are your thoughts? Do you have suggestions for increasing body image/self-esteem? I took two pictures recently and when I look at them, I think, "That girl's kinda cute!" But, I NEVER feel that way when I look in the mirror.

<Pause here. I am fine. I am happy. Don't feel sorry for me. I hate it when people feel sorry for me. 

I view emotions from a clinical distance, even when they're my own. 

You have to know that about me or you won't know me at all.>

A Picture Is Worth a 1,000 Words 

(All of them four-letters.)

Buckle up, because here's where shit gets weird. 

In response to my post and accompanying picture, a couple of gals (both of whom I love, BTW***) noted that, if I didn't feel pretty it might be because the picture I shared was "crappy." 

WHAT!?!?! 

Um. No. It is not. I mean, I HOPE it's not because, it is really me. That's how I really look. And, oddly, I am happy with it. That picture captures an essential me-ness that I have come to respect and like. That picture makes me feel pretty and sexy and even beautiful.

So.... it's crappy....

WHAT!?!?! 

I was floored. 

I posted that picture above (you know, the one where I'm Boobs McGee) because I thought I looked good in it! The point I was trying to make was:

Check it out, girls! Even though I feel ugly when I see myself in a mirror, it can't be true because, I look kinda pretty in this picture...and it's me...so, I can't be ugly, right?!?!

I liked the picture. 
The picture was "crappy."

Full disclosure, one of the women is a professional photographer and loves to talk about shit like lighting and angle and exposure. Maybe. I actually don't know what she is talking about, I love her but I totally stop listening when it comes up because, come on, in real life the lighting is rarely right and the angle? I'm 5'3", the angle is NEVER right when people look at me.

I responded to the comments about my crappy picture with this: 

Wow. Here we go deeper into the rabbit hole. I LOVE the picture I shared. I feel like it shows a me that IS pretty. A very real me. It's funny (in a totally WTF way) to hear folks say it is a bad picture. It made me doubt that I am pretty even when I feel pretty! Maybe this is an issue that women can't talk to each other about. It's too fraught with years of societal pressure. I strongly dislike how we photograph. I don't want good lighting that makes me look different...smoother, younger. I want to love how I look...like REALLY look. No glamour. No filter. That does a number on me in really gross ways... No tricks of light for me. I do NOT want the pressure of comparing the well-lit, filtered me to the everyday me. I want to learn to see the beauty in myself that I see in other women. I want to learn to not judge myself against archetypes.

Little Flecks of Wisdom

Where am I going with this? I don't know for sure. But, I found a few wisdom nuggets here. 

1. Beauty is (for reals) in the eye of the beholder. I was raised on punk rock and riot grrrls. I like gritty. I don't like this Courtney:

Well, I do like her. She's pretty. Even in that picture. But, I like this one MUCH better: 

It's gritty. It tells a story. It's her. 

But, what do you think? Which one is the "crappy" picture? Which one captures her beauty? 

I wonder which picture Courtney likes better. In which shot does she see messy hair and too-much teeth and wrinkles and all the stuff we criticize ourselves for? I wonder which is the one where she sees the parts of herself that she really likes. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The trick is to help my eyes see myself as beautiful. 

2. I need to let go of some baggage, man. I'm 51. I've done amazing things. I am raising children. I've been around the block and back a hundred times. I have wrinkles and fat and blemishes and hair growing where it's not supposed to grow. But, I am fine. I am more than fine. I am fucking pretty. 

My secret lover****, Bruce Springsteen wrote, "You ain't a beauty, buy hey, you're alright." That's how I wanna feel all the time. I don't want to be a cover girl beauty. It doesn't appeal to me. I wanna be a gritty beauty. I am that. I have a tough beauty, hard fought and hard won. I have to get over the notion that I need to look like this girl or that girl. That's a dangerous game and it's unwinnable. 

Sometimes as a thought experiment, I call to mind all of the women I know and ask myself if I think they are beautiful and the answer is always yes. I have rarely met or even seen a woman that I didn't see beauty in. So... rationally, how is it possible that every women on earth is beautiful except me? It's not. That's crazy. That's baggage that I need to throw in the lake. 

3. There are folks who love just my brand of beauty...even when I'm not feeling pretty myself. I know that for sure because men like me. They want to date me and kiss me and be my boyfriend. They always have. Even though my friends have always been much prettier than me. Total objective fact. I'll show you pictures if you want. My friends are super fuckin' pretty in very traditional ways. Sigh.

I remember once, in the early 1990s, I was walking in College Station, TX with my BFF and my boyfriend. It was early evening and as I crossed a street, a stranger looked at me and said, "You are beautiful and I want to kiss you." I looked at my boyfriend and he winked at me and tipped his head in a way that said, "Kiss that poor lovesick fool." So, I did (no slut-shaming please, that's a topic for a different day.) 

My BFF said, "I don't get it, Rita. You're pretty, but not that pretty. You're average, why do men love you so much?" My boyfriend explained to her that men (and women for the record) desire me because they can tell that I really like them even before I know them. He said, "Rita puts out a vibe that men love. She's nice. She's open. She's sexy." 

Despite the fact that I may never consistently think of myself as good-looking or pretty or beautiful or whatever, I think my boyfriend (at the time) was right. I put out a vibe. A vibe that, judging by my current and historic dance-card, is pretty hot. That's beautiful, man. It really is. 

Stepping Up to the Reflection in the Mirror

Well, upon reading those nuggets of wisdom over, they don't seem that wise. But, whatever. Right now, I feel beautiful. So, I've gotta go. I need to look in the mirror and ride this wave and wake up my vibe. 

I'm single you know, I'm dating, I gotta have that juice. 

___________________________________________

*Oh good Lord. Not "nouveau". This record came out in 1998. But it feels newish to me in terms of grunge and Courtney's work. So there. 

**It didn't start with a Facebook post. It started when I was around 10, I think. But, even more to the point, it started when a REALLY cute guy started chatting me up on a dating site and I felt like there was no way on earth I could be pretty enough for that hottie. But, I had sent him pictures that showed me at my filtered, make-up-faced best. So... I took the selfie I shared in this post and sent him this message: Feeling nervous...you are so handsome. I'm totally average at best, like on a good day. Can you please tell me I'm pretty and you won't be disappointed?

***These woman are TOTALLY supportive and wonderful in EVERY way. They did NOT mean to hurt my feelings (and they didn't...remember...I have that clinical view...) 

****It's not a secret. Except to Bruce. He doesn't know. But, you can tell him. Our love affair would be sooooo much better if he knew about it. Maybe. I don't know.